Communication
Good communication is a vital component of a healthy marriage. It’s only when we get married that we realise some of our deeply held assumptions about life are not universally shared.
We are all different in the way we communicate, and this is affected by:
our personality
our background
1. Our personality
Extroverted
One of us may tend towards processing our thoughts externally. In other words, we tend to think out loud.
Introverted
Our partner may tend towards organising their thoughts in their heads first before they speak.
Analytical
One of us may work things out methodically and may take a long time to make decisions.
Intuitive
Our partner may often act on hunches and sometimes jump to conclusions.
Talking honestly about and accepting these personality differences is vital if we’re to have a strong marriage.
2. Our family background
Some families are quiet, others are much louder. Some families are more volatile, others are calmer. Some families take it in turns to talk, others frequently interrupt.
We need to recognise the typical communication traits in each of our families, especially if one of us comes from a family that airs differences immediately while our partner’s family tends to delay or avoid talking about conflicting views at all.
Hindrances to good communication
1. Failing to make time
Set aside time for meaningful conversation on a regular basis.
plan this time in your calendars (it doesn’t just happen)
guard this time from distractions and interruptions, especially from phones and other screens.
Recognise when you need to drop everything and listen to your partner.
2. Failing to talk about our feelings
Some people have to learn to talk about their feelings as they may have had no role model growing up
you may find talking about your feelings difficult because of a sense of inadequacy or vulnerability, or a fear of how the other person will respond.
dare to trust your partner with your feelings.
if your partner struggles to express how they feel, be sure to listen to them without judging or criticising them.
Sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings is essential for building a strong marriage.
3. Failing to listen to each other
Listening is of huge importance for building a foundation of understanding and intimacy in marriage.
Not being listened to is highly damaging to a relationship. Whereas, when someone listens to us, we feel:
understood
valued
supported
loved
Most of us have some bad listening habits to overcome, such as:
disengaging mentally when our partner is talking to us
going off on a tangent with our own story
giving our advice immediately rather than empathising with our partner’s feelings
invalidating their fears or their expression of any negative emotions by constantly reassuring them it will be okay
Interrupting our partner with our own views or finishing their sentences for them
How to listen
It takes patience to learn how to listen effectively. Listening effectively means:
allowing our partner to finish what they want to say
putting aside our own agenda and seeking to see the world through our partner’s eyes
making the effort to understand them when they think or feel differently to us.
Conflict
Expecting conflict
Conflict is inevitable in every relationship.
The issue isn’t whether we’ll disagree; the issue is how we deal with those disagreements. The really important thing for every couple is to have the tools and skills to resolve conflict constructively.
Managing anger
Anger is not wrong in itself; it is how we display our anger that can be harmful in a relationship.
Two animals help to illustrate two inappropriate and unhelpful ways of managing our anger:
Rhinos: let you know they’re angry right away -- they go on the attack
Hedgehogs: tend to hide their anger -- they’re likely to become quieter and may withdraw
Both rhinos and hedgehogs have to learn to express what they are upset about verbally and calmly.
Looking for solutions together
When you have a disagreement:
recognise that in marriage really you’re on the same side
look for a solution together that will be good for your relationship
be ready to press the ‘pause button’ when necessary (ask yourselves: ‘Is this a good time?’ and ‘Is this a good place to be airing this disagreement?’)
Five steps to finding a solution
Identify and focus on the issue causing conflict.
Take the issue that is causing conflict from between you. Put it out in front of you and work on it together.
Use ‘I’ statements
Avoid labeling (for example: ‘You always…’ / ‘You never…’). Describe your feelings (for example: ‘I feel upset by…’).
Listen to each other
Try to understand and value each other’s perspective. Take it in turns to talk.
Brainstorm possible solutions
Talk about different possibilities. It may help to write a list.
Choose the best solution for now and review later
If the solution you try doesn’t work, try another one from your list. If you can’t find a solution together, ask for help.
Process for healing hurt
Hurt is inevitable in every marriage, and this hurt must be healed if our relationship is to flourish.
There is a simple but powerful process for healing:
Talk about the hurt
Tell your partner when they have upset you. Don’t hold on to hurt or allow self-pity and resentment to build up inside you.
Say sorry
Our pride can make it hard for us to say sorry. Apologising means taking responsibility for our wrong words or actions. Saying sorry opens the way for reconciliation.
Forgive
Forgiveness is the greatest force for healing in a marriage.
Forgiveness is NOT:
forgetting the hurt happened
pretending it doesn’t matter
failing to confront our partner’s wrong and hurtful behaviour
Forgiveness IS:
facing the wrong done to us
recognising the emotions inside
choosing not to hold the offence against our partner
giving up our self-pity and desire for revenge
Forgiveness is first and foremost a choice, not a feeling.
forgiveness is a process -- we often need to keep on choosing to forgive (sometimes on a daily basis). As we do so, gradually the memories of the hurt hold less and less power over us.
Commitment
Making a commitment builds trust between us, enabling us to be vulnerable with each other and to dare to tell each other our deepest thoughts and feelings; commitment permits us to plan our future together; it allows us to try things out, to get things wrong, to forgive, to have the confidence to raise issues that need to be discussed -- commitment is ‘the essence of marriage’, its very heart.
Two consequences of commitment:
Friendship
The commitment of marriage meets our longing for deep connection, for emotional and physical intimacy. Marriage isn’t the only way to counter aloneness, but it is the closest possible human relationship.
Family life
The committed love between parents means their children grow up seeing a positive example of an intimate, committed, long-term relationship at close hand. One of the best ways parents can love their children is by loving each other. A strong marriage can break a cycle of failed relationships in a family.
Create an equal partnership between you
Every couple has to work out:
who does what
who decides what
who takes the lead on those things that need to be done
We may hold assumptions from our parents’ (or main role models’) marriage of what responsibilities we should each take on, but these may conflict with our partner’s ideas.
Talk about your expectations for who will do what in your relationship and how this may differ from your own experiences in your family background.
Submit to each other (Ephesians 5:21)
The New Testament model of mutual submission
gave Christians a radical new way of living together
required mutual giving to each other
undermined male dominance and control
Christian teaching has led to the marriage relationship coming to be seen as an equal partnership of mutual giving.
‘Submitting’ doesn’t mean being passive
submitting is the opposite of demanding or controlling
it means seeking to put each other first
it is a form of loving that puts each other’s needs before our own
Work out which responsibilities you are each best suited to take on
use your differences to serve each other
in some areas of your mutual life, take the lead and initiate
in others, support your partner
Loving like this is very active and involves making sacrifices for the sake of the other.
Submitting to one another is the key to a loving marriage.
The marriage covenant
The covenant we make when we get married is a decision to give ourselves completely to each other in love, and is then a decision we reinforce everyday of our marriage.
The marriage covenant holds a couple together when they go through tough times, as every couple will.
The vows we each make that establish our marriage bring deep security and provide us with a safe space within which we are able to be open and vulnerable with each other
they give us the confidence to allow our partner to know us as we are (including revealing those parts we keep well hidden) and that builds intimacy
the vows focus not on what our partner can do for us but on what we can do for them.
Connection
How do we keep our love alive and stay connected over the whole course of a marriage?
Spend special time together
Keeping love alive is a deliberate choice. It includes:
investing in our friendship by continuing to do those things we both enjoy together
making a daily habit of connecting with each other verbally and emotionally
organising a weekly date with our partner to keep the romance, the fun and the love growing between us
Discover your partner’s emotional needs
Discovering what makes our partner feel loved builds deep connection between us and enables us to love effectively. We can be very different from each other in the ways we give and receive love.
The five love languages
Loving words
Thoughtful presents
Physical affection
Quality time
Kind actions
All five ways of expressing love are important in every marriage, but usually there will be one or two of them that communicate love in the way we particularly understand it and like to receive it.
After you complete today's devotional visit www.5lovelanguages.com to fill in a short questionnaire to confirm the order of importance of these love languages for you.
The teaching on the Five Love Languages is adapted from Dr Gary Chapman’s bestselling book, The 5 Love LanguagesⓇ: The Secret to Love That Lasts (© 2015). Published by Northfield Publishing. Used by permission.
How to build a good sexual relationship
Sex joins us together, not just physically, but emotionally, psychologically and even spiritually.
How to establish and maintain a pattern of good sex in marriage:
1. Get your hearts in sync
Be ready to talk
talking about sex can take courage as it requires us to be vulnerable with each other
tell each other what turns you on and what turns you off desiring to make love
Bring closure to past sexual relationships
past relationships can cause jealousy and mistrust
if necessary, disconnect on social media from people you were once attracted to and delete emails / texts / photos
2. Get your heads straight
Good sex has so much to do with our state of mind
fill your minds with what is beautiful, honourable and mutually respectful about sex
talk about your expectations and any fears you may have around lovemaking
Problems resulting from abuse or other sexual trauma from the past may require professional help.
If pornography is an issue in your relationship, have an honest and non-judgmental conversation with your partner. Taking steps to change your habits will have a hugely positive impact on your relationship and will make having good sex a reality in marriage.
Low self esteem and poor body image affect our sexual responses
build your partner’s confidence by telling them how beautiful and attractive they are to you
keep admiring each other’s bodies, as the lovers do repeatedly in the Song of Songs
3. Get your bodies set
There are significant differences between men and women in sexual arousal.
find out from reading and talking what arouses your partner
give sufficient time for preparation and arousal in lovemaking
Create a climate of trust.
good sex is dependent on allowing other parts of our relationship to develop
there’s a strong connection between giving ourselves to each other through our marriage vows and giving ourselves in our sexual relationship
practise self-control – this will be essential when we find ourselves attracted to someone other than our partner.
Adventure
Marriage provides us with one of life’s greatest opportunities and one of its greatest challenges:
the opportunity to build the most intimate of relationships, the benefits of which go way beyond ourselves
the challenge to go on learning what it means to love another person, to look beyond our own needs and to go on finding out what is important to our partner, and then to make adjustments in our own behaviour
Agree on your priorities
We may have very different personalities, but having similar core values and an agreed set of priorities enable a couple to build a strong marriage.
share with each other your dreams, aspirations, hopes and longings
make your relationship with God your top priority, followed by your marriage, then your children (if you have them), then everything and everybody else
Four areas that will be affected by your priorities:
1. Friendships
don’t cut yourselves off as a couple; every marriage needs a network of support
protect your marriage from any relationships that might threaten it
set boundaries to guard yourselves from the risk of an affair
2. Children and family life
discuss your expectations for having children
keep making time for each other if and when you have the demands of small children
3. Work
don’t compete with each other
talk about how you would balance work and taking care of children
4. Spirituality
exploring your core beliefs will draw you closer together (consider doing Alpha to explore the Christian faith and to give you language to talk more easily together about spiritual issues)
talk about what beliefs and values you would want to pass on to your children, if and when you have them
As we each look to God to receive and experience his love, forgiveness and a sense of his purpose for our lives, we are better able to love each other.
Adventurers and nurturers
Although we will all be a mixture, recognise whether one of you has a more ‘adventuring’ temperament and the other a more ‘nurturing’ temperament,
Adventurers
want to make the most of all the possibilities that life offers. They view marriage itself as a joint adventure. Adventurers bring energy and new experiences to the relationship.
Nurturers
see their marriage as a safe place to return to after whatever adventures or challenges life brings. Nurturers bring consistency and routine in the relationship.
Both adventuring and nurturing make an equally important contribution to the relationship
too little adventure and your relationship can become stagnated
too much adventure and you can be overstretched
As a couple, your responsibility is to value both the energy of adventure and the security of recovery.
Every marriage needs to give enough space for both adventuring and nurturing. When these two forces are working well in your marriage, marriage itself becomes one of life’s great adventures.
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